dear diary, (29/6/09)

freeze frame- sitting on my spinny chair (:D) listening to 'haley james scott(one tree hill)' a song called 'halo' that she wrote in the 3rd series about nathan :)

its so hot today! ive been out twice - to claires this morning, she was helping with my ucas form , and then to school to give back the camera and money i owed sir. now im listening to a band called 'jimmy eat world' i really like the song 23.. they remind of keane, but less creepy. i really love one tree hill! i watched the episode that ive seen at least three times now, and i didnt realize that i'd be watching the whole of the 5 series now, when i watched that one episode. its totally different from what i thought it was like now.

i didnt see jonny today, i guess he had already got the bus to foresthill when i got there. : / oh well .. hopefully ill get to talk to him tomoro. i might call him in a min just to check hes ok. never replied to my text back the other day..

it feels like this weekends gone on for a whole week! so much crammed into it. and it was really emotional too! for me anyway.. lol. such a drama queen!!

~

heya, (3/07/09)

... i dunno what to say! uh, clare!!!! shes being so.. grr! why? i havent done anything wrong.. i only didnt go to her on sunday because i was stressed. i totally want to stay at hers, and hang out with her.. but i just , she was just getting too much for me! and now shes really pissed, and acting like im the worst friend in the world.

i just want things to be back to the way they were before.

.. ah well. she will get over it! i just hope shes not so stubborn that shes never talks to me again, cos i dont know if i can take another 'im sorry, its my fault, blame me . im the bad friend not you,' because i have done nothing wroNG!!!! UH!!! well, maybe. still! she doesnt need to blow everthing out of proportion.

later skaters xx

these are some really beautiful lyrics by Taylor Swift. i really love this song.. shows how i feel and i can play it on guitar and sing to it too!! :D xx

"The Way I Loved You"

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

<3



dear diary,

right now im feeling kinda.. lonely, actually. its strange cos its really sudden. just been looking at my sister boyfriends profile, and although im not jealous that shes with him ( cos hes not really my type, and a non - christian : / ) i really miss having a boyfriend. ok , i miss scott being my boyfriend!! i realy cant shake this! its been so long, but i just cant get over the fact that he might still like me as much as i like him.. and what if i miss out on that by moving on ? im happy to move on, if i meet someone whos amazing, and truely loves me and loves God more than me, but still wants to be with me their whole life, then ill totally go for it! ( at least i hope so). so im not totally in a mess, its just a tiny lingering feeling that comes with being single and heartbroken.

i think ill end on that note, although theres so much more i coud talk about, jonathan is a whole different story! phew.. i dunno if i can even handle being his friend anymore. its getting pretty crazy. we havent talked about it ...... yet. i plan to spring it on him next time i see him and he has to have a total heart to heart with me, cos i cant stand seeing him hurting and me being there, and him not telling me about it! hes one of my best friends.. ( well was untill recently, i barely see him at all nowadays , which buggs me because i know hes going thru a lot, and i know he misses me a lot too! just cos i can guess his feeling more of the time, cos he wears him feeling 'on his sleeve' or so they say , and i just know him !!!

anyway, i think i wil actually finish this post now. lol. since its so late.. and ill continue my rant in the morning, when i will have free time ^^

scott, i miss you!!! if you ever read this, please know that right now, even thou things are crazy, i love you with all my heart and i feel like i could love you forever and ever and even after Jesus comes back and takes us home : )

g'night yall.

lovealways xx

Hey again,

so todays monday, and i have the morning off! so now ive had my breakfast (well brunch - but at least im eating it!!) , and im listenign to my 'This Is Our God' Hillsong cd, i have time before i go to tutorial to fill you in on whats been happening in my life.

ok, so my mums sorta getting better, not realy much to tell. she was up earlier than usual today which is good :) and she talks more now and is iterested in my artwork and stuff. but she doesnt do much except watching tv and eating. but God has her in his hands :) he knows what hes doing and whats gonna happen next, so i guess we just have to trust hm about it all.

so, school is over! i only have to go back for a2 now, and thats ony for photography. which is a bit annoying cos if i am doing volunteer work at departure (which im really hoping i can!) then ill have to work arround school.. and if i dont do work now, then il be bored! and i cant get a job now cos ill have to work during the summer, and ive already booked up loads of stuff, like soul survivor, revive and root hill.

so i might not even be able to do the holiday club now! we havent got a time where we can go on holiday as a family, so im gonna have to sacrafice the kids club for it. but oh well, it will be fine :)

(g2g be back later xx)

just got back from school (tutoral) and me and claire went for a milkshake in croydon :) was nice - i was going to have sugar puffs, but instead i had a coco pops and m+ms peanuts milkshake with extra icecream :) yumm!! (but it cost me £3.70!! :S)

i gonna see claire every evening this week!! haha.. except friday, but we're gonna do something just so it can be a whole week! lol :P i love her! shes probably by bestest friends right now. well, right now , since ive done all that i set out o do today (except piano practise but that will start at 6) , i can do some drawing !! me and claire bought a sketchbook each that was 34p!!!! - WHSmith :) nice!! well, il do that then, dunno what im gonna draw! something random and pretty.. like, me!! haha. anyways ill write sometime this week. hopefully ill be able to keep this going frequently now! i have time on my hands, which is good. i will maybe post some lyrics of my most recently written songs. there are many! but it just comes down to the music in the end.

ok, well laters!! lol

LOVEALWAYS XX

Dear Diary,

you've missed all the drama!!!! ah well, my fault for not writting. but yeah, exams are over, im 17 now :D and me and jonathan and majorly drifting!! im so glad that i dont like him in the slightlest! lol .. sounds wierd. i love him to bits as a friend, just i guess that my prayers have been answered, and im just totally fixated on Jesus now!! :D :D :D

ive been thinking about scott again recently thou. gets me down you know! i realy love him! i just cant help it! its just soo unconditional. and i dunno why i still have faith in this (amazing!) guy. (lol .. see?!?) well, whats for sure is that i love jesus more than anything ever, and i know that hes got my back. and my hand. and my heart :) . so i have nothing to fear!! :D

anyways, right now im talking to claire (well, we're moaning to eachother :P) and listening to 'T-shirt' by Shontelle. awww.. i miss him!!! i gotta go to assemlby tomoro :( but jonny and acadia and delisa and all my other friends will be there!! :D aww, i love my friends!! they are AMAZING!!! but not as amazing as my one true bestest friend ever.. they can let me down, and i let them down, but Jesus doesnt!! :D

okie dokies. i'd better save all the rest of these thoughts in my head for another time. i always seem to find things to do when i should be going to bed!! ill have to write myself a note... lol.

anyways, better go my bed is calling me. :)

night!

LOVEALWAYS XX