oh my goodness! i havent written in 2 months!!! well, todays sunday, and i should be at Claire's church, but unfortunatley, the 352 does not run on a sunday, and by the time i would have gotten to the 194 busstop, it would have taken me soo long, and i would be mega late!!!
soo much has happened since i last wrote, so this blog may be very long, since i have nothing much better to do except maybe music practise, which i can do later.
first things first - im not living in bellingham anymore!! yes, we did get that cosy 4 bedroom terrace house in BECKENHAM!! i really love it here, i have my own room which is looking great atm, and we are pretty much settled here now. we have virgin media now, AND A WII!!! WOO!! so thinking about it , life is really great atm.
mum is still unwell, shes probably still asleep right now. i really should be praying a heck of a lot more. people we know pray more than i do, which is bad, because we're the ones who are imediatly effected! lol. i'm sure in time she'll find her feet. at least hope so. it makes me feel slightly depressed when i see her. not just that she looks ill, but acts and speaks like that.
anyway, 6th form is goood. im a bit scared that jonathan is getting to close, or maybe im getting to close to him - cos i really actually dont like him like that!! i love him as a friend, but i love jackson as a friend in the same way, and i wouldn't dream of going out with him :S
ive spoken to scott, a few weeks ago now, but im just so glad were back to speaking terms - back to just friends. i dont think it could ever be the same again thou, which in some way is good, because we were way too flirty with eachother. next time i spend time with him, which will prbably be in about 2 years time if ever, we'll be friedns. and good friends, but the kind that had fun, and support eachother in prayer etc.. and not the kind of friends who flirt and try and go out with eachother.
but don't get me wrong! i still love him with all my heart - truely! - and want to marry him and spend my whole liofe with him. ive been over it a million times, and all the possibilties just don't feel right. i could be going out with jonathan all happily, cos he's a christian, and a decent guy, he really cares about me and i know he'd try real hard to be a good boyfriend, but i just dont want to !!! i would rather wait a decade for scott than go out with a guy that i dont and never will like, ( or anyone else) as much as i LOVE scott.
im not obsessive, i just think were meant to be! ive prayed the same prayer for months on end, infact for almost a year now, and god's seems to e coming back with the same answer...
"YES! you are meant to be, i know it seems hard, even impossible atm, but believe it or not, i put you on this earth to be with scott, and i want you to be happy with him for your whole life on this earth! but first, i want you to love me with all you heart, mind, strength, soul, and i want you to put me first before him, but love him because of me, and because i gave you love, and because he's a gift from me."
even now as i say that, thought its coming from my mouth, it still feels so right, and like god has totally answered my prayer. i never asked for a guy right now, i asjked for a guy to spend my life with. that doesnt mean that i get him ow, because ive gotta love god above all, and i have struggled with that for ages.
its getting better, and i think that everyday i love him more. everyday that i come to him in prayer and ask for his help, i feel so restored, and so complete. and i can wait. Scott's such an amazing person, and i truely truely can't see myself with anyone else.
i believe that im really getting to grips with the true meaning of love. i see it in my parents sometimes, even thought its hard. i see it in other couples that i know, but most of all i see it in Jesus. he loves me so much he DIED for me. and i soooo dont deserve that.
so right now im eating buttered toast and feeling slightly guitly that ive missed another sunday morning, but it ok. im singin in the spectrum choir tonight!! :D and i think im gonna be the only singer, which i cool, but i just hope that i dont have a really loud mic and forget the words or something silly!
#how i love, you , my Lord. suffering King, yet you welcome me, how can it be?#
okies, im gonna do some piano practise soon, and singing too.
laters xxx
