dear diary,

the last time i wrote, i was single.. and now me and josh are a couple!! :D and a damn cute one at that. lol we were kissing for the best part of 4 hours yesterday :P so amazing. i really really really like him! even more than that infact, but im not gonna tell him untill tomoro night..

its new years eve tomoro! and the day after that itll be 2010!!!! lol.. cant believe i'm gonna start a new year with josh.. he's so amazing! i don't wanna loose him. there are no excused this time and i'm soo glad that we get along soo easily. uh.. i'm in love with him!! and i cant help it. he's just so perfect. beats scott by a mile and i thought no one could beat him.. i was SOOO WRONG!! loool

cant wait to tell him how i feel tomoro night :D and meet his parents :D and get married to him :D and have his babies :D :D and grow old with him :D :D

LOVE LOVE LOVE!! XOXOX

ok, so writting this, im a smiling idiot ^^. starting to think that maybe it will be easier to fall than i thought.. after all ive only known him for a few weeks and ive seen him only twice in them. we are sooo alike!! i love it.. and he likes the taylor swift song i sent him :D and he does the same romantic little things that i do .. like looking at a photo of him in the background while talking on fb ^^ aww we are so cute!!

Dear Diary..

amazing things have happened, and are about to happen since we last spoke. i didnt think that i could ever feel this way again! i havent seen him since the reunion, but im not doubting my feeling for him - if i liked him when i saw he before, it will just be even more so when i see him .. TOMORROW!!! :D cant believe ITS THE MIXTAPE tomorrow... :D and jennie, charis and claire are gonna be there too :) gonna be great!! im soo excited!!

but more excited to see Josh ^^ <3>

anyways, better come up with an excuse why i should go so that i dont have to mention scott's role in all this.. well he's in bournemouth now, just this week, and he's gonna call me on thurseday.. have no idea how im gonna react to him. i really hope that i don't still like him! cos ive managed to move on, im over him, and ive told Josh that, so i need to make sure of it, and stick to one guy ^^ lol. but seriously, we're talking to sort this mess out.. and get to the point where we are comfortable with eachother. obviously , if Josh asks me out tomoro, its gonna be sooo hard to tell scott that im seeing someone. after all as far as he knows theres a possiblility of us getting back together, but now, my hearts telling me that that'snot gonna happen. i really wanna fall in love again.. and with an amazing guy who is good for me and doesnt live far away and leaves me hanging, and i dont want a complicated relationship. but tbh, thats gonna be so hard! im gonna have to try hard to stop myself from complicating it, because i know its gonna be wierd and unheard of to me, because so far every relationship ive had has been complicated.

i dont wanna have heartace and pain anymore. i just want to have someone there for me, and to be a part of something thats really special and exclusive. i really miss those relationships, i just feel like i need to be in a loving 2 person only relationship. i need to know that that person only has eyes for me.. and yeah, just to have that exclusiveness will be amazing ^^

anyways gotta go to chris and jen's.. talk later xxx

Heya :D

this weekends been good! didnt think id be doing anything on friday cos we had an inset (insect :P) day , but i got up early and spent the day with clare in greenwich and getting her hair cut in worthenstow. then we went to charing cross from theres, (get 1 bus!! the 15 from commercial road!! ) and had pizza hut and then went to trafalgar square and took photos and just messed around and sat on the lion bit and near the fountain :) was fun, but reminded me of scott.. and i told him this when i was online at clares later.. he sent me a fb message, and i sentone back, hasnt replied back yet.

so yeah,i dunno whats gonna happen between us, ts all up to God, just a matter of time really :)

wel,church starts at 7 today, and the clocks went back this morning so i got an extra hour in bed (apparently)!! and adams gonna be at church tonight :D well , he is every week, but im just looking forward to seeing him that little bit more today.. dunno why! spoke to him on fb a minute ago :) he so lovely . going away to thailand the same time im going to Australia actually.. and hes working before and leaving in january.. same time as me! :) maybe we can have a join leaving party.. hmm.. ^^

anyways, im gonna maybe do some guitar/ singing practise since i dont have much else to do right now.. and im not gonna start my film noir project early this time! noo wayyy im getting sick of work. need a break!!

:D

catch ya later

love love love!! xxx

dear diary,

i've just painted my nails (white , obvs :P) , so id better be careful, 1) not to get white nail polish on the keys, and 2) not to ruin my lovely nails as i normally do because i'm so impatient as you can tell by me writing while they are only half dry!!

so anyway, todays been really good! i started the day feeling lonely, because liz wasnt in my art class, and i dont seem to have much conversations with anyone else ( well not at all really except the teacher and jess ocasionally, who was sitting on her own aswell, so im suprised she didnt come sit with me : /). and break was wierd too, cos i was in the common room on my own, untill grant and johnny came :D and then they disappeared again , which was awkward :S i hate being on my own in a room full of people i dont know!! just sit there like.. umm ... yeah.. LOL . but it was a great day from then on.

except johnny was being wierd.. and i realized on our way back to school that actually, i wouldn't be suprised if it was my doing. who can blame him for being weird around me!! he's probably going through some really harsh emotions right now, i just wish that i could talk to him about it!! cos ive been there! but it would be awkward for him (well both of us reeeally) because its about me!!

i guess ive just gotta let him handle it. and if he really loved me as much as i loved scott, i can tell you its gonna be rough!! but he'll put thru ^^ hes a tough guy, with a big heart. i just hope it doesnt go cold , cos i could sense some serious coldness brewing in him towards me today. hes quite harsh in how he talks to me, (until i told him he was acting strange ) so yeah , need to look out for him right now! :)

so yeah !!! dunno what my situation with guys is right now , but i know that my relationship with God's WAAYYY more important. he's the one who sustains me, and knows my heart, and loves me the most. so obvs im gonna want to be tight with him more than any dumb boy who has nooo idea how to treat me. so whatever! love will come find me when its ready to handle me :P:P;P

so anyways, right now , im talking to clare and laura. saw rosie today!! shes got a job in a chemist in beckenham so i saw her on her way to work, but she was half an hour early so we walked and chatted for a bit which was really nice! perfect timing :D

so anyways, gone 12 and im gonna go for a run in the morning before school :D claire went the other day! proud of that girl :) so inspiring she is!! :P

later skaters xxx

dear diary,

aww ! was the first thing that i said while trying to recite what i was gonna write here on my diary this morn,when i saw that great photo of me and claire :D love that girl! if it wasnt for her id stibe in a puzzle about scott. did i tell you that hes back?? and totally 'misses me' lol. great timing!! im so over him now.. i did consider it again, but tbh,everything has changed so much, including him, and in reality, its just gonna be so messy, and heartbreaking, and i dont even think i could ever trust him with my heart again. a few months ago i would have been all totally up for it,still hurting of course, but very needy of him,but now, i think ive just out grown him. hes still really fit (well even fitter :P) and totally God-filled, and just lovely,but he stil has issues.. and im not saying that i want a perfect guy,but i have enough issues of my own,i dont need someone whos just gonna be even more trouble for me.

besides.. i have rediscovered my love for pearce. which is ironic, cos it feels like he has gotten overme! :S ive been talking (well,and flirting) with his bro, and hes totally clueless on his bro situation. i found out more gossip on facebook than from the guy who lives with him. but i guess facebook is a quite personalsite now a days, people tend to spil there emtions on there before they do their friends ( or even there bfs in yaz's case!!) - and yes, i am guilty. but i did telmy cla(i)re's about it first. not the whole story cos neither of them are within reaching distance atm, but you know, i told them the main stuff, and left all the heart felt and moaning stuff to when we met up :)

i love my friends!! they are just so amazing.. me and clare are applying for uni together.. (this means im gonna have to speak to my form tutor at some point to get him to help me with my personal statement :S). shes looking for a job right now, and is gonna work this year and then go to uni next year - the year i would be going if i wasnt going to australia :D :D :D :D :D !! im well excited!! but kinda scared about the whole flight thing, and landing in a totally different country all on my own for a few hours (when i get my connection flight in somewhere like sigapore :S) !! but it wil be great fun. ill just make friends with the person sitting next to me and spend the day with them :D hopefully they will be going to australia too, or just have some spare time to hang out with me till my flight comes!! :D

speaking of.. i might actually look up flights now.. just to get an idea of cost etc..

talk soon

xxx

its just hit me that im not gonna see my best friend for ages!! claires moving to kingston halls for uni on saturday!! omigoodness!! shes gonna be well grown up and living on her own and on her own!! :'( im gonna miss her sooooo soooo much!!!!! ive spent like the last year with her. :'( im gonna cry so much on saturday!! but im not gonna go round her house to say bye cos that'll be too much . even thou im gonna see her the weekend after its so sad!! :(

xxx

Kim Walker - How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me

Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

(taken from my diary of paper and pen..)

Dear Diary,

I thought I'd write really neatly today, but I had to rip a page out a sec ago, because I'd failed already!! Seems I've been doing that a lot lately. Failing without even trying not to.

I am so happy that I passed all my subjects!! Another year in a row that I haven't failed one! I'm gonna have to work hard ' music this year thou so that I can get a good grade, but I won't have as many distractions in my music class, it it should be fine as long as I make an effort.

Effort.. that word keeps appearing in my vocab!! (maybe) I'll make it a good thing this year. I'll go running, and i'll get closer to God, and I'll get (good) great grades in music, and write good songs, and be the best that God's made me to be!! But jesus, (I've said this so many times, but it still rings true - ) I NEED YOU SO BAD!! I need you to be my strength, and my voice, and my art, and my desire, and my all!! Because my true inspiration comes from you! And just to re-iterate this, i'm gonna re-write it on my blog online. Word-for word. (even if it doesn't make much sense! lol!)

xxx rachie xxx

Take That - Back For Good (for P)

I guess now its time for me to give up
I feel its time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got youre lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didnt mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever Im wrong just tell me the song and Ill sing it
Youll be right and understood

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasnt good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Cant you find a little room inside for me

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didnt mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever Im wrong just tell me the song and Ill sing it
Youll be right and understood

And well be together, this time is forever
Well be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didnt mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever Im wrong just tell me the song and Ill sing it
Youll be right and understood

dear diary,

ive just been watching ugly betty online - which is great! im gonna start watching it on a tuesday again cos its brill. or maybe a wednesday because ill be home by then. im well excited about the weekend!!! clare's staying tomoro night, and then it's glenda(terry's daughter)'s wedding on saturday!! its gonna be soo much fun working with all my best friends.. and pearce is gonna be there :S im not sure what to make of it all, im not sure what i make of him anymore, i just know the last time we spent a whole day together we ended up kissing, so who knows. not that im wishing that again! but i just hope that my feelings have straightened up since we last saw eachother. if not, im gonna have to dicipline myself :P

our outfits for it are so cute!! i have 6 black dresses hanging from my wardrobe door right now.. all size 10(well one of thems a 12, but it was supposed to be a 10)! lol. i have decided that tomoro ill go for a long walk, then a shortish run, and then another long walk back home. need to start getting fit again for starting school in september. i really wanna try hard to work out now! not because i think im fat, but because i love the feeling of being in shape, and i want to stay healthy and for my body to be the best that it can be! (and because i could loose a bit off my thighs :P)

so, life is goood!! ill be packing tomoro morning after my run, then have a shower and do some more work before my bessies come over to chat and admire our new outfits :) will be good! i just need to get up early and do the run, once and for all! it always takes me so long to get out there, and as soon as i do i wish id done it before, and want to do it again! so in rememberance of that feeling, im gonna go for it! and i will report back ( hopefully successfully) tomoro eve whilst me and clare have a natter our tea :)

well, time to hit that sack.

nighty - night

xxx

dear diary,

so , its 11.12, and my plan is to stay up all night to get over this laziness late wake-up late bed-time nonsense. ill keep awake [somehow!!] untill about 9 o'clock tomoro night and then just crash out. then [hopefully] ill wake up earlier the next day and will make the most of my time at revive!! good plan ay? actually, i stole it from a few of my new friends.. one who is perticuarly cute, a christian and knew my name before i knew his, and has been to my house!!! lol.. he knows candy and arol, and rents a room in their house, goes to selhurst church [near where claire lives] and is also only a year older than me!! but.. he reminds me a LOT of jonathan. same built, similar character, and probably similar background. plus i dont think he's interested in me, and id be better to stear clear of boys like him considering my previous experience with guys like him... i think i know what kind of guy i want to marry.. and [btw God :D] i wouldnt mind meeting him this summer..!!! it would be awesome.. just as long as it wasnt another scott. i need someone who is not so serious with the stuff that scott.. the whole 'promises to god' thing, and all his many issues.. i just want to meet the guy for me in the next 2/3 years .. that would be perfect! scotts timing was difficult, and maybe he's not ideal for me, but someone similar in looks would be great !! [hehe]

anyways, ive manager to stay awake for 10 mins so far! lol.. later on i will probably write again.. hopefully that will be a few hours from now!!

laters skaters xx

dear diary,

yesterday i was pretty depressed. and it wasnt even with a reason.. i mean, i was kinda lonely, and was really emotional on sunday, but it wasnt that bad! im not even realy upset about anything.. it was so wierd! it fet like a desease had come over me and i wasnt sure what to do about it . i really really hope mum's depression isnt genetic.. i would hate to be in her state. its just not real living ! and its horrible! i want to be independant and happy and have lots of people arround me who love me. i have nothing to complain about.

but anyway, today i wrote a song! i had already written a few lyrics a few weeks ago, and i formed some really nice chords combinations while practising, and then put the two together !! it sounds great. i just wish i had a band and could record my songs.

anyway, im meeting emily and going to chris and jennie's later, :)

bye byes xxx

The Good Kind - The Wreckers 

[love this song!! the chords are so simple.. i love playing it on guitar and singing along :) <3]

'Do you wanna run away together?'
I would say it was your best line ever.
Too bad I fell for it...
And I walked alone,
Waiting for you to come along.
Take my tortured heart by the hand.
And write me off.
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...
You forced me to become strong.
And I just craved, being weak.
And you think you know.
And I would like to think so,
But do you know that when you go,
I fall apart.
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind.
No, it's not the good kind...
I'm tired of hiding behind these lying eyes,
I'm tired of this smile that even I don't recognize.
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I die?
Do you know I cry?
Do you know I cry?
And it's not the good kind...

No, you're not the good kind.
Good kind
No, you're not the good kind.
Good kind
No, you're not the good kind.

my two lovely parents when we went to pizza express on fathers day 09! <3

dear diary, (29/6/09)

freeze frame- sitting on my spinny chair (:D) listening to 'haley james scott(one tree hill)' a song called 'halo' that she wrote in the 3rd series about nathan :)

its so hot today! ive been out twice - to claires this morning, she was helping with my ucas form , and then to school to give back the camera and money i owed sir. now im listening to a band called 'jimmy eat world' i really like the song 23.. they remind of keane, but less creepy. i really love one tree hill! i watched the episode that ive seen at least three times now, and i didnt realize that i'd be watching the whole of the 5 series now, when i watched that one episode. its totally different from what i thought it was like now.

i didnt see jonny today, i guess he had already got the bus to foresthill when i got there. : / oh well .. hopefully ill get to talk to him tomoro. i might call him in a min just to check hes ok. never replied to my text back the other day..

it feels like this weekends gone on for a whole week! so much crammed into it. and it was really emotional too! for me anyway.. lol. such a drama queen!!

~

heya, (3/07/09)

... i dunno what to say! uh, clare!!!! shes being so.. grr! why? i havent done anything wrong.. i only didnt go to her on sunday because i was stressed. i totally want to stay at hers, and hang out with her.. but i just , she was just getting too much for me! and now shes really pissed, and acting like im the worst friend in the world.

i just want things to be back to the way they were before.

.. ah well. she will get over it! i just hope shes not so stubborn that shes never talks to me again, cos i dont know if i can take another 'im sorry, its my fault, blame me . im the bad friend not you,' because i have done nothing wroNG!!!! UH!!! well, maybe. still! she doesnt need to blow everthing out of proportion.

later skaters xx

these are some really beautiful lyrics by Taylor Swift. i really love this song.. shows how i feel and i can play it on guitar and sing to it too!! :D xx

"The Way I Loved You"

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

<3



dear diary,

right now im feeling kinda.. lonely, actually. its strange cos its really sudden. just been looking at my sister boyfriends profile, and although im not jealous that shes with him ( cos hes not really my type, and a non - christian : / ) i really miss having a boyfriend. ok , i miss scott being my boyfriend!! i realy cant shake this! its been so long, but i just cant get over the fact that he might still like me as much as i like him.. and what if i miss out on that by moving on ? im happy to move on, if i meet someone whos amazing, and truely loves me and loves God more than me, but still wants to be with me their whole life, then ill totally go for it! ( at least i hope so). so im not totally in a mess, its just a tiny lingering feeling that comes with being single and heartbroken.

i think ill end on that note, although theres so much more i coud talk about, jonathan is a whole different story! phew.. i dunno if i can even handle being his friend anymore. its getting pretty crazy. we havent talked about it ...... yet. i plan to spring it on him next time i see him and he has to have a total heart to heart with me, cos i cant stand seeing him hurting and me being there, and him not telling me about it! hes one of my best friends.. ( well was untill recently, i barely see him at all nowadays , which buggs me because i know hes going thru a lot, and i know he misses me a lot too! just cos i can guess his feeling more of the time, cos he wears him feeling 'on his sleeve' or so they say , and i just know him !!!

anyway, i think i wil actually finish this post now. lol. since its so late.. and ill continue my rant in the morning, when i will have free time ^^

scott, i miss you!!! if you ever read this, please know that right now, even thou things are crazy, i love you with all my heart and i feel like i could love you forever and ever and even after Jesus comes back and takes us home : )

g'night yall.

lovealways xx

Hey again,

so todays monday, and i have the morning off! so now ive had my breakfast (well brunch - but at least im eating it!!) , and im listenign to my 'This Is Our God' Hillsong cd, i have time before i go to tutorial to fill you in on whats been happening in my life.

ok, so my mums sorta getting better, not realy much to tell. she was up earlier than usual today which is good :) and she talks more now and is iterested in my artwork and stuff. but she doesnt do much except watching tv and eating. but God has her in his hands :) he knows what hes doing and whats gonna happen next, so i guess we just have to trust hm about it all.

so, school is over! i only have to go back for a2 now, and thats ony for photography. which is a bit annoying cos if i am doing volunteer work at departure (which im really hoping i can!) then ill have to work arround school.. and if i dont do work now, then il be bored! and i cant get a job now cos ill have to work during the summer, and ive already booked up loads of stuff, like soul survivor, revive and root hill.

so i might not even be able to do the holiday club now! we havent got a time where we can go on holiday as a family, so im gonna have to sacrafice the kids club for it. but oh well, it will be fine :)

(g2g be back later xx)

just got back from school (tutoral) and me and claire went for a milkshake in croydon :) was nice - i was going to have sugar puffs, but instead i had a coco pops and m+ms peanuts milkshake with extra icecream :) yumm!! (but it cost me £3.70!! :S)

i gonna see claire every evening this week!! haha.. except friday, but we're gonna do something just so it can be a whole week! lol :P i love her! shes probably by bestest friends right now. well, right now , since ive done all that i set out o do today (except piano practise but that will start at 6) , i can do some drawing !! me and claire bought a sketchbook each that was 34p!!!! - WHSmith :) nice!! well, il do that then, dunno what im gonna draw! something random and pretty.. like, me!! haha. anyways ill write sometime this week. hopefully ill be able to keep this going frequently now! i have time on my hands, which is good. i will maybe post some lyrics of my most recently written songs. there are many! but it just comes down to the music in the end.

ok, well laters!! lol

LOVEALWAYS XX

Dear Diary,

you've missed all the drama!!!! ah well, my fault for not writting. but yeah, exams are over, im 17 now :D and me and jonathan and majorly drifting!! im so glad that i dont like him in the slightlest! lol .. sounds wierd. i love him to bits as a friend, just i guess that my prayers have been answered, and im just totally fixated on Jesus now!! :D :D :D

ive been thinking about scott again recently thou. gets me down you know! i realy love him! i just cant help it! its just soo unconditional. and i dunno why i still have faith in this (amazing!) guy. (lol .. see?!?) well, whats for sure is that i love jesus more than anything ever, and i know that hes got my back. and my hand. and my heart :) . so i have nothing to fear!! :D

anyways, right now im talking to claire (well, we're moaning to eachother :P) and listening to 'T-shirt' by Shontelle. awww.. i miss him!!! i gotta go to assemlby tomoro :( but jonny and acadia and delisa and all my other friends will be there!! :D aww, i love my friends!! they are AMAZING!!! but not as amazing as my one true bestest friend ever.. they can let me down, and i let them down, but Jesus doesnt!! :D

okie dokies. i'd better save all the rest of these thoughts in my head for another time. i always seem to find things to do when i should be going to bed!! ill have to write myself a note... lol.

anyways, better go my bed is calling me. :)

night!

LOVEALWAYS XX

Bonjour! lol

oh my goodness! i havent written in 2 months!!! well, todays sunday, and i should be at Claire's church, but unfortunatley, the 352 does not run on a sunday, and by the time i would have gotten to the 194 busstop, it would have taken me soo long, and i would be mega late!!!

soo much has happened since i last wrote, so this blog may be very long, since i have nothing much better to do except maybe music practise, which i can do later.

first things first - im not living in bellingham anymore!! yes, we did get that cosy 4 bedroom terrace house in BECKENHAM!! i really love it here, i have my own room which is looking great atm, and we are pretty much settled here now. we have virgin media now, AND A WII!!! WOO!! so thinking about it , life is really great atm.

mum is still unwell, shes probably still asleep right now. i really should be praying a heck of a lot more. people we know pray more than i do, which is bad, because we're the ones who are imediatly effected! lol. i'm sure in time she'll find her feet. at least hope so. it makes me feel slightly depressed when i see her. not just that she looks ill, but acts and speaks like that.

anyway, 6th form is goood. im a bit scared that jonathan is getting to close, or maybe im getting to close to him - cos i really actually dont like him like that!! i love him as a friend, but i love jackson as a friend in the same way, and i wouldn't dream of going out with him :S

ive spoken to scott, a few weeks ago now, but im just so glad were back to speaking terms - back to just friends. i dont think it could ever be the same again thou, which in some way is good, because we were way too flirty with eachother. next time i spend time with him, which will prbably be in about 2 years time if ever, we'll be friedns. and good friends, but the kind that had fun, and support eachother in prayer etc.. and not the kind of friends who flirt and try and go out with eachother.

but don't get me wrong! i still love him with all my heart - truely! - and want to marry him and spend my whole liofe with him. ive been over it a million times, and all the possibilties just don't feel right. i could be going out with jonathan all happily, cos he's a christian, and a decent guy, he really cares about me and i know he'd try real hard to be a good boyfriend, but i just dont want to !!! i would rather wait a decade for scott than go out with a guy that i dont and never will like, ( or anyone else) as much as i LOVE scott.

im not obsessive, i just think were meant to be! ive prayed the same prayer for months on end, infact for almost a year now, and god's seems to e coming back with the same answer...

"YES! you are meant to be, i know it seems hard, even impossible atm, but believe it or not, i put you on this earth to be with scott, and i want you to be happy with him for your whole life on this earth! but first, i want you to love me with all you heart, mind, strength, soul, and i want you to put me first before him, but love him because of me, and because i gave you love, and because he's a gift from me."

even now as i say that, thought its coming from my mouth, it still feels so right, and like god has totally answered my prayer. i never asked for a guy right now, i asjked for a guy to spend my life with. that doesnt mean that i get him ow, because ive gotta love god above all, and i have struggled with that for ages.

its getting better, and i think that everyday i love him more. everyday that i come to him in prayer and ask for his help, i feel so restored, and so complete. and i can wait. Scott's such an amazing person, and i truely truely can't see myself with anyone else.

i believe that im really getting to grips with the true meaning of love. i see it in my parents sometimes, even thought its hard. i see it in other couples that i know, but most of all i see it in Jesus. he loves me so much he DIED for me. and i soooo dont deserve that.

so right now im eating buttered toast and feeling slightly guitly that ive missed another sunday morning, but it ok. im singin in the spectrum choir tonight!! :D and i think im gonna be the only singer, which i cool, but i just hope that i dont have a really loud mic and forget the words or something silly!

#how i love, you , my Lord. suffering King, yet you welcome me, how can it be?#

okies, im gonna do some piano practise soon, and singing too.
laters xxx