Dear little miss blog,
the last time i wrote was just before everything blow up in my face. and as you can tell from what i wrote when i was at scott's, God was obviously sending me signs...(brb)...anyway, yeah..im an idiot one again. A - for not sorting this out with him, B - for not talking enough and telling him exactly what i am thinking, and C - for falling into this stupid trap again! and this time its WORSE!!! i am NOT being dramatic when i say HES THE ONE AND ONLY GUY FOR ME, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, AND I AM NOT GIVING UP ON HIM!!!!!!!! this thing that we had was too physical, and went too far, and now its a mess, our relationships with God are a mess, and im a mess. im so lost. in pieces. totally heartbroken and i dunno what to do with myself but pray and try to cling onto God with all i have left. im being so dramatic!! everything else in my life is pretty much perfect, 6th form is awesome, my friends are amazing, and so funny loving and supportive, and best of all, my mum is gettng better and suzie and jake and dad are doing great! suzie wants to get baptised, and is well showing how much of a christian she is. theres things she needs to work on, always will be for everyone - including me. my main thing now are my priorities, and atm , scotts top. shouldnt be like that! God should definatly be my number one and i should be learning that he is all i need and will ever need. i guess its been my one true joy to chase after boys my whole life, and now im finaly realising that they are not everything, and will let me down and not satisfy! i really thought scott was the answer to my prayers but here he is, breaking his promises to me and breaking my heart in two. he cant help it! its the only way that he saw was right. he needs to be putting God first the same as i do, and atm he feels like hes really far away from God. which is why i love him so much!! hes really wise in these things, and although like me and everyone hes make mistakes, and taken things to far with me, hes sacrificing our relationship to get closer to his Father, which even though it hurts me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad to watch him walk away, i respect him for that, and i want to support him (heres the hard bit) as a FRIEND. :'( i am gonna miss him soooooooooooooooooo much and i think about him soo much. but i can live without him. ive done ok so far, even though i have my moments of total heartace and confusion, i need this test, this trial, to fix my eyes on Jesus and learn to trust in him alone. In Christ Alone - : ) he MUST be my all. because without him i am soo lost! looking to scott has just ripped us appart. at the start, we prayed together and i promised myself that God would be the centre, but as we got physically closer we were pushing God out of the picture.
i wrote him an essay^^ and i wrote becki a FB message yesterday about it - poor girl she still says that she is heartbroken and feels the sam way i do about scott, so i am sooooo glad i have her as a best friend. she is soo lovely and supportive! boy did i choose well to go play with her at in playgroup..God put us in the right place at the right time so that even now we are thousands of miles away from eachother , we are still such a great source of support to eachother..its great :)
well, i have a day off tomorrow! only need to go infor tutorial and and then i have the morning and afternoon off!!! YAY!! so i may write some more on this issue and particularly sensitive and highly emotional area of my life, tomorrow, once i have done all my boring homework : /
will write soon
lovealways xx