dear diary,
last night was incredible! it was truely amazing, yet i was in a really bad situation! i went to clare's house for a while after work. because the dlr was down, we couldnt go to the social thing at poplar baptist, and she was planning to go out with joel, since it was their last night together before he goes to uni. so i curled her hair and we looked at photos of this year and talked for a while about general stuff. so i went home, took the d3 walked thru the greenwich tunnel and then got on the 199. greenwich was really beautiful at night.. and there were so many couples and really interesting people there. but a bit scary because a few people where drunk and one couple where argueing the the middle of the road! lol

so anyway, i got home, singing to myself for courage, and i realised before that i didnt have my key! i knew everyone had got to see a movie, but i didnt realise that they would go to pizza hut after and come back at half 9! so i was calling them, and no answer, and ended up waiting outside for an hour and a half!!!! was pretty cold but i was sooo amazed by God. i was looking arround, praying that no drunk dodgy blokes walked down my road and decided to take advantage of me! :S but they didnt! every minute was scary, but amazing! i loved it so much. watching the few stars that i could see, following insects that were buzzing arround lamps and counting every leaf that fell from the big old trees outside my house. some people do some strange things at night! i kept seeing one guy who lived across the road going out, the coming back 20 minutes later, then going out again with strange packages..makes me wonder what his life is like.

i was speaking to God, and praying and praising him, and i talked to my mum on the phone in the end, and i was amazed at how normal she sounded! like it was a regular day and she was well again!! ofcorse she has a way to go yet, but it just shows how amazing God is and how much he can change things around so quickly.

so even thou i havent spoken to scott in weeks, college is hard and i have loads of homework, my future is unknown, and my heart is still aching - sometimes its a good thing. i was reading in the 'taming the tiger' book scott gave me that sometimes God needs to put us in a very low place so that we have nothing to loose - so we can surrender all to God and we have nothing left to rely on but him. and i know its true for me that when my life is good, God is sometimes put out of the picture. but when times are bad, hes still there! he has always been and he always will be. i just need to remember who got me thru the bad times when the good times come, or if they dont come, that i can still rejoice because i have eternal life to look forward to! and right now im certain that God is number 1 in my life. i love scott dearly, but he has to come second. and he knows that, we both do. just that actions speak louder than words and this summer our actions havent been glorifying God the whole time.

so anyway, i have work to do, and songs to sing, and piano to play!!

I LOVE YOU JESUS!! xx

OMIGOSH!!!!!!!!!
Saskia and Daniel are ENGAGED!!! :D
i am sooo happy for them!! :)
xx

FACEBOOK STATUS:

Rachel Linda Ayrton is feeling very strange, and has mixed emotions right now and doesnt know what to do with herself. she just keeps thinking about everything between her and Scott that has happened and really doesnt know how to deal with it or whether she should message him and see if he is ok because she hasnt spoken to him in dayssss, and she is just plain worried about him! it hasnt been normal for her not speaking to him for so long and she misses him dearly, and is holding onto God sooo tightly but is still finding it hard, but it finding her again gradually, but still cant seem to think straight about ANYTHING. every little thing reminds her of him and she is screaming out for some sense of assurance. and also, just ..shes still feeling very heart broken indeeeeed! and just like '..uh. i dunno what to do with myself!' a moment ago.

hellooooooo everyone! :D

just got back from campers club, the first of this term and im in a good mood!! i have been having a really long convo with vicky about boyfriends, sex, God, and other stuff. was really good! i have found that so many people know how i feel about scott - becki knows the heartbreakey bit, claire knows the whole what scotts likey bit, and vicky and what knows the whole issue of touchy feeliness, the reason behind it all. so i am soo glad that God has given me these 3 amazing friends who totally understand what im going thru!! I LOVE THEM TO BITS!!

anyway, ive got work tomoro, and i think jake is coming with, and claires gonna be at the cafe doing some work so i can speak to them during my break which will be nice. so anyway yeah, another day of work , and another day with the man i love..sounds so heartbreaking :'(
but its ok!! i have Jesus on my side :D

my fingers and my brain are getting tired now and my tea has gone cold :(
will write when i can
xx

About You
full name	Rachel Linda Ayrton
nicknames	Rach, Raa - Raa, Rachella,
birthdate	05/05/1992
location	st. Georges tooting
height	5'2"
hair color	brown
eye color	blue
siblings	1 sister - Suzie, 1 brother - Jake
pets	none atm
worst fear	losing the guy i love for good :'(
Favorites
color	blue/green
movie	too many!
artist/band	umm.. atm, soul survivor, newsboys, whitney and colbie caillat
songs	whitney houston - i have nothing/where do broken hearts go, avril lavigne - things ill never say, alicia keys - if i aint got you
tv show	the simpsons, friends, scrubs, whose line is it anyway?(but im not as addicted as my sister is to it)
place to shop	bromley! - topshop, primark, new look, lush, paper chase!!
subject in school	art :D <3
smell	freshly cut grass, scott ^^
food	pizza and icecream :)
Have You Ever?
made a prank call?	umm..no
lied?	yes
snuck out of the house?	urr..yeah
skipped school?	yes :(
ran away?	nope
broken the law?	no
done something embarrassing?	all the time lol
made yourself cry to get out of trouble?	nope
wanted someone you knew you couldnt have?	:( sort of
been to a concert?	yeah
been kissed?	uh huh
kissed someone?	oh yes
been in love?	still am.. always will be
cheated on someone?	no!
been cheated on?	yeah
had a hard time getting over someone?	yes
Do You?
color your hair?	nope
have any tattoos?	noooo
have any piercings?	yeah just my ear lobes
have any bad habits?	biting my nails :-o
wish you were someone else?	noo loev being me :)
play an instrument?	piano and guitar
wear cologne/perfume?	sometimes..
own a thong?	no
wear contacts/glasses?	yeah glasses sometimes
Who?
would you like to kiss?	they guy that i am totally in love with but cant be with atm - SCOTT KENWARD!!
makes you laugh?	scott, becki, emily, jake, facey, daniel..too many really cool people!!
makes you smile?	scott :) everytime..
do you tell everything to?	God
has a crush on you?	umm.. i dunno
can make you feel better no matter what?	Jesus :)
More About You
what song makes you cry?	some worship songs
what song makes you happy?	never be lonely, i wanna dance with somebody
what makes you happy?	knowing how many blessing i have and that God is always there for me
do you wish on stars?	yeahh of corse
When Was The Last Time You...?
drank alcohol?	umm.. at a wedding (?)
smoked?	never!
kissed someone?	3rd september 2008.. the day he broke my heart :'(
went to the mall?	umm a few days ago
were on stage?	tuesday! when i was singing 'i have nothing' for my music class
cut your hair?	ages ago.. needs cutting soon
stole something?	umm.. cant remember
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

hey people,

todays been another semi-boring episode of photography! my teacher (joe) is crrrraaaazzzzzzyyyyyy! and extreeemely wierd. and so is the work he sets. i cant wait! i have art and music tomoro! but i cant talk now will finish this in the morning...

xx

Dear little miss blog,
the last time i wrote was just before everything blow up in my face. and as you can tell from what i wrote when i was at scott's, God was obviously sending me signs...(brb)...anyway, yeah..im an idiot one again. A - for not sorting this out with him, B - for not talking enough and telling him exactly what i am thinking, and C - for falling into this stupid trap again! and this time its WORSE!!! i am NOT being dramatic when i say HES THE ONE AND ONLY GUY FOR ME, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, AND I AM NOT GIVING UP ON HIM!!!!!!!! this thing that we had was too physical, and went too far, and now its a mess, our relationships with God are a mess, and im a mess. im so lost. in pieces. totally heartbroken and i dunno what to do with myself but pray and try to cling onto God with all i have left. im being so dramatic!! everything else in my life is pretty much perfect, 6th form is awesome, my friends are amazing, and so funny loving and supportive, and best of all, my mum is gettng better and suzie and jake and dad are doing great! suzie wants to get baptised, and is well showing how much of a christian she is. theres things she needs to work on, always will be for everyone - including me. my main thing now are my priorities, and atm , scotts top. shouldnt be like that! God should definatly be my number one and i should be learning that he is all i need and will ever need. i guess its been my one true joy to chase after boys my whole life, and now im finaly realising that they are not everything, and will let me down and not satisfy! i really thought scott was the answer to my prayers but here he is, breaking his promises to me and breaking my heart in two. he cant help it! its the only way that he saw was right. he needs to be putting God first the same as i do, and atm he feels like hes really far away from God. which is why i love him so much!! hes really wise in these things, and although like me and everyone hes make mistakes, and taken things to far with me, hes sacrificing our relationship to get closer to his Father, which even though it hurts me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad to watch him walk away, i respect him for that, and i want to support him (heres the hard bit) as a FRIEND. :'( i am gonna miss him soooooooooooooooooo much and i think about him soo much. but i can live without him. ive done ok so far, even though i have my moments of total heartace and confusion, i need this test, this trial, to fix my eyes on Jesus and learn to trust in him alone. In Christ Alone - : ) he MUST be my all. because without him i am soo lost! looking to scott has just ripped us appart. at the start, we prayed together and i promised myself that God would be the centre, but as we got physically closer we were pushing God out of the picture.
i wrote him an essay^^ and i wrote becki a FB message yesterday about it - poor girl she still says that she is heartbroken and feels the sam way i do about scott, so i am sooooo glad i have her as a best friend. she is soo lovely and supportive! boy did i choose well to go play with her at in playgroup..God put us in the right place at the right time so that even now we are thousands of miles away from eachother , we are still such a great source of support to eachother..its great :)
well, i have a day off tomorrow! only need to go infor tutorial and and then i have the morning and afternoon off!!! YAY!! so i may write some more on this issue and particularly sensitive and highly emotional area of my life, tomorrow, once i have done all my boring homework : /
will write soon
lovealways xx

dear diary,

right now im in bournemouth at scotts house, on allies laptop! its sorta sunny today which is good because yesterday it was raining really heavily when me and scott went to the beach. we stayed in his car because the wind was soo strong. was really nice! all warm and cosy in his car :)

ive missed him sooo soo much this last week. camp was really hard and seeing daniel and saskia made it hard for me because it made me remember when we were together on july camp. and yesterday, being with his was wierd. not actually being with him, but i mean the conversations we had were strange. it didnt make sense. was like we had gone back to before the summer and everything seemed to be falling appart.

i really didnt know what to make of it all. i wanted to scream at him at one point, but i knew he didnt deserve that and he told me that he was confused. just like i was..so i think hes having trouble. if its the same trouble as i have before then this wil be hard for us.. but we will pull thru ! im sure of it!!!!!!!!!!

laters xx