dear diary,

me and josh have been going out for 3 weeks now!! hes soo amazing, and i love him!! so much!! bless him.. he keeps worrying about our future and me going to uni out of london !! i dont wanna be away from him, but at the same time i need my freedom! weve decided to get married when we finish uni :) but it might be at different times that we finish, since im going on a gap year and probably doing a foundation year before my actual course

i dunno thou.. i dunno if God wants me to go to uni, or whether i should do mission work, or whether i should just marry Josh :) i dont know which one would make me happier.. probably marrying Josh but id still need a job while hes at uni so ill need some qualifications.. i dunno! im leaving it up to God. gonna apply for photography in uni :) might apply for half london unis and half other places. that way ill know where God wants me to be.. with josh or wants me to wait. i dunno! its up to him :) he knows best :)

im gonna re apply now since someone deleted my account lol

xxx

dear diary,

the last time i wrote, i was single.. and now me and josh are a couple!! :D and a damn cute one at that. lol we were kissing for the best part of 4 hours yesterday :P so amazing. i really really really like him! even more than that infact, but im not gonna tell him untill tomoro night..

its new years eve tomoro! and the day after that itll be 2010!!!! lol.. cant believe i'm gonna start a new year with josh.. he's so amazing! i don't wanna loose him. there are no excused this time and i'm soo glad that we get along soo easily. uh.. i'm in love with him!! and i cant help it. he's just so perfect. beats scott by a mile and i thought no one could beat him.. i was SOOO WRONG!! loool

cant wait to tell him how i feel tomoro night :D and meet his parents :D and get married to him :D and have his babies :D :D and grow old with him :D :D

LOVE LOVE LOVE!! XOXOX

ok, so writting this, im a smiling idiot ^^. starting to think that maybe it will be easier to fall than i thought.. after all ive only known him for a few weeks and ive seen him only twice in them. we are sooo alike!! i love it.. and he likes the taylor swift song i sent him :D and he does the same romantic little things that i do .. like looking at a photo of him in the background while talking on fb ^^ aww we are so cute!!

Dear Diary..

amazing things have happened, and are about to happen since we last spoke. i didnt think that i could ever feel this way again! i havent seen him since the reunion, but im not doubting my feeling for him - if i liked him when i saw he before, it will just be even more so when i see him .. TOMORROW!!! :D cant believe ITS THE MIXTAPE tomorrow... :D and jennie, charis and claire are gonna be there too :) gonna be great!! im soo excited!!

but more excited to see Josh ^^ <3>

anyways, better come up with an excuse why i should go so that i dont have to mention scott's role in all this.. well he's in bournemouth now, just this week, and he's gonna call me on thurseday.. have no idea how im gonna react to him. i really hope that i don't still like him! cos ive managed to move on, im over him, and ive told Josh that, so i need to make sure of it, and stick to one guy ^^ lol. but seriously, we're talking to sort this mess out.. and get to the point where we are comfortable with eachother. obviously , if Josh asks me out tomoro, its gonna be sooo hard to tell scott that im seeing someone. after all as far as he knows theres a possiblility of us getting back together, but now, my hearts telling me that that'snot gonna happen. i really wanna fall in love again.. and with an amazing guy who is good for me and doesnt live far away and leaves me hanging, and i dont want a complicated relationship. but tbh, thats gonna be so hard! im gonna have to try hard to stop myself from complicating it, because i know its gonna be wierd and unheard of to me, because so far every relationship ive had has been complicated.

i dont wanna have heartace and pain anymore. i just want to have someone there for me, and to be a part of something thats really special and exclusive. i really miss those relationships, i just feel like i need to be in a loving 2 person only relationship. i need to know that that person only has eyes for me.. and yeah, just to have that exclusiveness will be amazing ^^

anyways gotta go to chris and jen's.. talk later xxx

Heya :D

this weekends been good! didnt think id be doing anything on friday cos we had an inset (insect :P) day , but i got up early and spent the day with clare in greenwich and getting her hair cut in worthenstow. then we went to charing cross from theres, (get 1 bus!! the 15 from commercial road!! ) and had pizza hut and then went to trafalgar square and took photos and just messed around and sat on the lion bit and near the fountain :) was fun, but reminded me of scott.. and i told him this when i was online at clares later.. he sent me a fb message, and i sentone back, hasnt replied back yet.

so yeah,i dunno whats gonna happen between us, ts all up to God, just a matter of time really :)

wel,church starts at 7 today, and the clocks went back this morning so i got an extra hour in bed (apparently)!! and adams gonna be at church tonight :D well , he is every week, but im just looking forward to seeing him that little bit more today.. dunno why! spoke to him on fb a minute ago :) he so lovely . going away to thailand the same time im going to Australia actually.. and hes working before and leaving in january.. same time as me! :) maybe we can have a join leaving party.. hmm.. ^^

anyways, im gonna maybe do some guitar/ singing practise since i dont have much else to do right now.. and im not gonna start my film noir project early this time! noo wayyy im getting sick of work. need a break!!

:D

catch ya later

love love love!! xxx

dear diary,

i've just painted my nails (white , obvs :P) , so id better be careful, 1) not to get white nail polish on the keys, and 2) not to ruin my lovely nails as i normally do because i'm so impatient as you can tell by me writing while they are only half dry!!

so anyway, todays been really good! i started the day feeling lonely, because liz wasnt in my art class, and i dont seem to have much conversations with anyone else ( well not at all really except the teacher and jess ocasionally, who was sitting on her own aswell, so im suprised she didnt come sit with me : /). and break was wierd too, cos i was in the common room on my own, untill grant and johnny came :D and then they disappeared again , which was awkward :S i hate being on my own in a room full of people i dont know!! just sit there like.. umm ... yeah.. LOL . but it was a great day from then on.

except johnny was being wierd.. and i realized on our way back to school that actually, i wouldn't be suprised if it was my doing. who can blame him for being weird around me!! he's probably going through some really harsh emotions right now, i just wish that i could talk to him about it!! cos ive been there! but it would be awkward for him (well both of us reeeally) because its about me!!

i guess ive just gotta let him handle it. and if he really loved me as much as i loved scott, i can tell you its gonna be rough!! but he'll put thru ^^ hes a tough guy, with a big heart. i just hope it doesnt go cold , cos i could sense some serious coldness brewing in him towards me today. hes quite harsh in how he talks to me, (until i told him he was acting strange ) so yeah , need to look out for him right now! :)

so yeah !!! dunno what my situation with guys is right now , but i know that my relationship with God's WAAYYY more important. he's the one who sustains me, and knows my heart, and loves me the most. so obvs im gonna want to be tight with him more than any dumb boy who has nooo idea how to treat me. so whatever! love will come find me when its ready to handle me :P:P;P

so anyways, right now , im talking to clare and laura. saw rosie today!! shes got a job in a chemist in beckenham so i saw her on her way to work, but she was half an hour early so we walked and chatted for a bit which was really nice! perfect timing :D

so anyways, gone 12 and im gonna go for a run in the morning before school :D claire went the other day! proud of that girl :) so inspiring she is!! :P

later skaters xxx

dear diary,

aww ! was the first thing that i said while trying to recite what i was gonna write here on my diary this morn,when i saw that great photo of me and claire :D love that girl! if it wasnt for her id stibe in a puzzle about scott. did i tell you that hes back?? and totally 'misses me' lol. great timing!! im so over him now.. i did consider it again, but tbh,everything has changed so much, including him, and in reality, its just gonna be so messy, and heartbreaking, and i dont even think i could ever trust him with my heart again. a few months ago i would have been all totally up for it,still hurting of course, but very needy of him,but now, i think ive just out grown him. hes still really fit (well even fitter :P) and totally God-filled, and just lovely,but he stil has issues.. and im not saying that i want a perfect guy,but i have enough issues of my own,i dont need someone whos just gonna be even more trouble for me.

besides.. i have rediscovered my love for pearce. which is ironic, cos it feels like he has gotten overme! :S ive been talking (well,and flirting) with his bro, and hes totally clueless on his bro situation. i found out more gossip on facebook than from the guy who lives with him. but i guess facebook is a quite personalsite now a days, people tend to spil there emtions on there before they do their friends ( or even there bfs in yaz's case!!) - and yes, i am guilty. but i did telmy cla(i)re's about it first. not the whole story cos neither of them are within reaching distance atm, but you know, i told them the main stuff, and left all the heart felt and moaning stuff to when we met up :)

i love my friends!! they are just so amazing.. me and clare are applying for uni together.. (this means im gonna have to speak to my form tutor at some point to get him to help me with my personal statement :S). shes looking for a job right now, and is gonna work this year and then go to uni next year - the year i would be going if i wasnt going to australia :D :D :D :D :D !! im well excited!! but kinda scared about the whole flight thing, and landing in a totally different country all on my own for a few hours (when i get my connection flight in somewhere like sigapore :S) !! but it wil be great fun. ill just make friends with the person sitting next to me and spend the day with them :D hopefully they will be going to australia too, or just have some spare time to hang out with me till my flight comes!! :D

speaking of.. i might actually look up flights now.. just to get an idea of cost etc..

talk soon

xxx